"I think you're up to something"

That's what Himself said to me today, when I very innocently inquired if he's going to college tomorrow. And, of course, he is right. I am indeed up to something.

It's his birthday on Thursday. And I came up with an idea a while ago, but didn't have time to do anything about it in the past few weeks. So I've been running around the town today, spent numerous hours in the internet and made a few calls. And I'm not even finished yet.

He hates surprise birthday parties, so I decided to be nice and not organize one. Nothing was said about other types of surprises though, so...
I've developed a little dance I do every time his big day is mentioned. And if that's not enough to drive him nuts, my evil laugh will probably do the trick.

I think I'd better stop writing, or I'll ruin the surprise. I'm gonna put my feet up, put the laptop on my belly (to cure the tummy-freeze I got from eating a large 99 in about 30 seconds) and do some serious blog-reading.

Happy as a Hedgehog

I just wanted to introduce you to my old friend, The Nameless Hedgehog. He has been living amongst my mother's flowers for a good few years now, but never felt the need to get into first name-terms with me. He doesn't cause fuss, which is why some people don't even notice him. There was something in his happy little face that made me snap the picture a few years ago, and now I'm happy I did.

His smile pretty much sums up how I feel now: content and happy.
We went to the doctor's yesterday, and turns out everything is fine. The relief in Himself's face was the best gift I've gotten since... forever. He said it felt like he had been away and just arrived back home. And it definitely felt that way for me as well. It's so nice to have my silly, sweet man back.

This whole thing had some good points as well. Himself realised for the first time in his life, that he doesn't always have to be "the strong one". And that talking about things can do you good. We spent time together without any distractions, just talking and being close to each other. Which made me fall even more into love with him.

He had time to read the poems I wrote. And he said he never really knew how I felt about him before. Now he does. We both learnt new things about each other, and a lot about ourselves as well. I know now, that I can't really talk about my feelings well, but I can express them in writing. And I'm thankful I have a man who doesn't think I'm strange because of that. (That's the good thing about singer-songwriters/other musicians/artistic types, they're weird enough to think you're normal when most people would go "Ooooo-key..." :D)

Also met Junior and his Better Half yesterday. It was the first time I've seen her in a few months, and let's just say there's no need to try and keep the pregnancy news secret any longer! She's looking absolutely gorgeous, and they are both very excited and happy.

So it's easy to understand my friend The Hedgehog's feelings. How could you not smile, when you're surrounded by such beauty?

I wish I knew a better lullaby

I'm in a very strange state of mind today. ("What's new?", say you)
Himself is on sleeping pills and some sort of medication to keep his nerves under control. He falls asleep ok, but the sleep isn't great. He has nightmares and keeps moving and talking. Last night he had a dream I was falling off something and wrapped his arms around me, telling me not to move. Thankfully he got back to sleep. I stayed awake listening to the wind throwing crates around the backyard of the pub next door. And it was up at nine this morning.

Today I told my love to get some herbal remedy for his sleeping problems. I'm hoping the natural medicine is less likely to cause comments like "I think I need to take one" in a tone that absolutely breaks my heart.

Tomorrow we have another visit to the doc's. I'm really hope it goes well and means the end of the extra pills in the household. Keep your fingers crossed, I sure will.
I'm not sure how long I'll be able to balance the nearly sleepless nights with trying to fill the days with activities...I'm quite possibly going to scare the weaker customers with the dark circles, which at the moment have left the around-the-eyes area and are now heading towards my cheekbones...

I have a long day at work tomorrow. My boss is going to go to a gig, and there's a group of 24 coming in... I'm just praying all the keys will be there when I go in at four. And hoping there'll be no surprises. :)
I'll just go and watch Himself play for a little while and then I'll get some sleep like a good girl. :)

We are the champions... :)

Ireland won the six nations rugby championship yesterday!
We went into a pub to watch the second half of the game. They were playing against Wales and the atmosphere was absolutely brilliant. The table next to us was full of Welsh people (they were easily spotted, being the only people shouting and roaring when the Welsh team scored). After the game I said to Himself that I should start supporting the Welsh, because even I could learn the names of the players (Half of them were called Jones, other half were Williamses).

We won at the end, with only few points difference. Himself took the night off and we met up with some friends.
I'll probably see a good few sore heads at work today. Even my boss was hugging and pulling random people up for a dance last night. And I can guess what the topic of the conversations with my customers will be...
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I had four ciggies yesterday. Bold me. I'll promise to be good again today.

Must be March madness

I'm back and can now think more clearly.

I have been depressed for about eight years now, having had better and worse patches along the way. To accompany my depression I had an eating disorder and was self-harming. I've been in a hospital because of it and gone through hours and hours of therapy when I returned back into "normal life". I tried different medication, which I ditched because I wanted to feel and didn't want to arrange my life around the pills. I have learnt to cope with myself better with time, but every now and again I hit a low. I cry, do whatever I have to do and get back up again.

This time it wasn't rest or reflection that got me up. It was Himself having a terrible nightmare, which he kept to himself and it started to follow him into the daytime as well. He finally told me what was eating him and I tried my best to help him out of it. He had his first panic attack a few days ago and I brought him out for a walk at five in the morning to clear his head.

He looks at me in amazement and tells me I'm the strongest person he has ever known.
I personally don't think it's a matter of strenght. It's just that I can understand how he feels, it's a familiar situation for me and I'm able to keep my head clear.
Yeah, I really am strange. More at home with all things crazy than normal, everyday life... :D
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I had my (hopefully) last cigarette yesterday and today is the first day of nicotine patches!
Wish me luck! :) (I give me max three days...)

Blaah is the word

I've spent the last few days pulling myself together.
And of course doing the usual stuff, like working and cooking, on the side.

Himself calls my bad days "being sad" and wants to fix things and make me feel better. The poor pet...
I wake up and want to go back to bed after the first half an hour.
Instead of doing that, I try to pretend that everything's ok, so no-one else would feel bad.
And also because I've seen what happens when you show everything isn't well, and I'm not going to make the same mistakes again.

Is it ok to feel guilty about being depressed?

I think I'll wait until I'm feeling better before I write again.

Got that Friday feeling...

I'm starting to get into the usual Friday mode now.

Yesterday was a girly night (with Angel Girl, who else...) and some wine was consumed (needless to say). Himself picked me up from AG's house after the night's gig and made me some tea before bed. And the next thing I heard was your man delivering our new washing machine at ten o'clock this morning. I showed sympathy by opening my left eye for a second and rolled over when I saw Himself had everything under control. Got up after noon and went to get breakfast stuff and an apple turnover for Himself for all his hard work.

Had a relaxing "morning" watching Police Academy 3. Junior called in on his way home from recording some radio show.
Himself and I played some Oasis and Mundy. (That's the way Himself teaches me guitar, he figured out a way to keep me focused)
Went for a walk with AG and we all had pizzas afterwards. Oh well, the walk worked as therapy more than in the usual purpose, but who cares?

The picture is from few months ago, but suits my current mood so well I had to put it up.
I should be getting ready as we speak... We're going for a few quiet ones with mates.
Bring on the pints!

Groundhog day transformed

On Monday night after the boys' gig we had our usual chat. This time the topics varied from Japan to horror movies, and from comedy to work.

Our friend, The Mandolin Man, was telling me about some character who always knew what people were going to say, before they even opened their mouths. That's something I can relate to (when it comes to work, anyway).

This is the conversation I have pretty much every single day at work, multiplied by 50:

Me: Hi, how are you?
Customer: How are ya. (it's not a question, try answering and you'll find out!)
- Then they walk towards the counter, I scan things in and go through the usual "Would you like a bag/box for these?" "It's 9.45, please" and "Thank you, bye bye!"
The older customers usually say something about the weather or the economical situation, the younger try not to say anything at all. And of course I have my regulars who stop and have a chat every now and again.

I noticed people talk to me more if I have a book or sudoku magazine on the counter.
Then I started knitting and doing crochet at work, and that really seems to interest a lot of people. What I found surprising though, was that it's mainly men who comment on my hobby. They look at the needles and the ball of wool and this big smile lights up their face. "Oh, you're knitting!" they say and give me this little nod.
The women just glance at the work and look away again. The only comment from a woman yesterday was: "Are you knitting for the babby?"

Anyway; What I'm wondering is, why are the men so fascinated by knitting? I thought it might have something to do with their mammies and good memories... Or maybe they're happy to see this form of craft isn't dying?

Or maybe they, like me, feel that the days are repeating themselves and are happy to see something as random as the off licence girl knitting.
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Have to go foodshopping, and then to work.

Magical Monday

It's been so nice to have the day off today, after five days of work.

I slept in, spent some time in my jammies and had a brunch of noodles. (I know, aren't I posh... :D)
Found a mat for the bathroom while shopping, which was something I was supposed to do months ago. (The builders managed to loose the previous one while they were putting in the shower.)

I also talked to my friend on messenger. She's going to go and mind a baby as a part of her studies later on this week and was telling me about her plans for a new hometown after graduation. After that I talked to my Dad on Skype. We had our weekly chat about life and were both that little bit happier afterwards.

I finally had time to cook a proper meal, so I made some lamb couscous and let it simmer for ages. Himself was happy to have a meal waiting when he came home tired and grumpy. This Monday had been far from magical for him, with the stress from the college and a punctured tyre on the way home, so it was nice to be able to cheer him up a bit.

I've been reading Meg Cabot's "Size 12 is not fat" today.

So today has been filled with all the things I love most; My friends and family, reading and music. And of course good food, and people with whom to enjoy it.

Finally some me-time

Progress report from last post: Himself and I are friends again.
I don't do mad for long periods at a time. We talked (which is to say I talked and he listened like a good man he is) and after letting out some steam I was fine again. Kind of. And that's good enough.

The reason I have some time for myself is that Himself is gigging tonight.
I got home after ten and was too tired to go anywhere, so I sat on the sofa with a book, some chocolate and the good old laptop.
It's been nice just to relax and let the thoughts run circles in my head, without saying a word to anyone. I've had time to listen to all my favourite songs, read without interruptions and even dance a bit on the way to the cupboard (to get more chocolate).

My brain is not in gear at all, so I'll just continue my pyjama party for one until Himself gets home. Working again tomorrow, off Monday. Can't wait.

*Now playing: Scissor Sisters - Laura*